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…I would buy these shoes. Wow. What do you think?

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Help!! This has nothing to do with sex except in the sense that it has everything to do with how I work. I am in need of a new laptop. My current one is almost three years old and it is soooooo heavy. I would like something light - however, I always want to make sure it can do cool media things (I currently use a PC laptop but am now thinking hmmmmm…. maybe a mac would be cool for video and audio fun?). The MacBook Air (pictured above) thus appeals to me - it is light, airy and has things like garage band on it so I can record things and edit. And yet… I hear it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Do you know anything about this? Should I go mac or stay PC (if I stay PC, I am thinking about the Sonya vaio).

I know lots about sex, but oh so little about technology. Any thoughts or opinions are welcome - drdebby@mysexprofessor.com

Thanks!!

Debby

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"Love is sitting all the way through a recital." - Charles M. Schulz, in a 1979 copy of Love is… Walking Hand-in-Hand

When I was growing up, I took tap dance, ballet, musical theatre, jazz dance, and violin lessons. My sister also took all kinds of dance, singing and musical lessons - not to mention she was talented at sports (I didn’t find my athletic genes until later on.. and even then they weren’t very talented ones). We were in so many recitals and performances. How did our parents and all four grandparents sit through so many performances???????

That’s right, it’s because they L-O-V-E us. And that is why you - if you have children, younger sibings, nieces, nephews or children you babysit for - sit through recitals too.

And this isn’t just about children. There is something particularly special about seeing someone you love now, or have loved in the past, shine. I have former boyfriends who I have no desire to be in a relationship with again, and who I am no longer attracted to, but I enjoy seeing them grow into the people that they want to become. I have friends whose growth I treasure. To see a friend withstand the advances of someone who is not good for her - well, that’s her recital and I’m happy to be there to cheer her on when she’s proud of her accomplishment.

There are so many ways that we can be there for each other. Look for opportunities.

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Question:
How can I tell if my drinking results from her lack of interest in me; or her lack of interest in me results from my drinking?

Answer:
I wouldn’t recommend the Magic 8 Ball for this type of question. Instead, I would recommend some combination of quiet thinking alone, open and gentle communication with your partner and/or couples counseling (www.aamft.org to find a family/couples/marital counselor; www.aasect.org to find a sex therapist or counselor).

Regardless of the precipitating factor - which came first - it seems like you have identified two issues that you would like to explore in more depth: your drinking and your partner’s lack of interest in you. Does it matter which came first if both feel problematic to you now?

Sometimes people find that when they drink quite a bit, it gets them out of any real intimacy or communication with other people. True, you  may feel more uninhibited and say things that you perhaps wouldn’t otherwise say, but that - at least to me - is not the kind of intimacy I am talking about. Intimacy and open communication involve both talking and listening, and being able to understand (and yes, remember the next day) what you and your partner are discussing.

A note on communication: If you approach your partner to discuss your relationship, her interest in you, and your sex life, I would suggest being sober, gentle, honest (while still being kind), and communicating with conscious intention - in other words, being aware of what you want when you speak. Sometimes, when we pay attention to how we speak to another person, we might find that our intention is really to hurt that person, to make them feel insecure, to make them laugh, to make them happy, to cause them feel unloved, to  make them feel jealous or to make them feel accepted. If you can learn to be aware of your intentions, you may find that it helps to direct your communication, to apologize for words that don’t come out right the first time, and to start the conversation again with intentions to work through problems or hurt feelings.

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ABC News and the NY Times’ T Magazine fashion section both published articles about "g shot parties" this week which, if you work in the world of media, you might think "so I suppose the people who throw g shot parties sent out a press release not so long ago?" How else to explain such a coincidence of two  major news outlets running stories about something that is not actually a trend or a hot topic among nearly anyone. Most cities in the US do NOT offer g shot parties. In fact, quite a lot of you are probably wondering what in the world a "g shot" even is. 

The g shot is essentially a shot of collagen injected by a trained gynecologist, plastic surgeon or other medical professional. It is injected into the front wall of the vagina, in the area that some describe as the g spot and others simply call "the anterior wall of the vagina" (anterior meaning "front"). The doctor who invented the g shot frequently reports that most women have had a positive experience with the shot. However, there has not been one objective, scientific research study on the g shot so, as scientists, we cannot say whether the shot helps women, hurts women, puts them at risk, makes their sex life better (or worse) or even what the true range of risks might be (the release/consent form apparently lists scar tissue and sexual dysfunction among them). When women and men ask me if the g shots work, then, my answer is "we don’t know." I would love to be involved with such a research study because I think that women patients deserve to have scientific information available to them that will help them make their decision about any medical procedure… alas, no such research study exists yet.

Read the ABC News article here and the NY Times T Magazine article here.

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Fascinating! In this New York Times article, writer Neil Shubin tells us about the relatively new discovery that female komodo dragons can occasionally reproduce without males. Read the full article here.

[Image via this site.]

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According to this New York Times brief, China’s Health Ministry has recently reported a 45% increase in AIDS cases and a 24% increase in syphilis cases from the previous year. This is a HUGE increase. They apparently did not give numbers of actual cases (E.g., is that up from 1000 cases? A million cases? We don’t know). China, Russia, and India are all facing rapid increases in regard to the spread of sexually transmissible infections, including HIV (the virus that, over time, usually causes AIDS).

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Question:
I grew up in a very catholic family, and it has been drilled into my head’s wiring that masturbation is wrong. Being in my 30s now, you would think I would be over this by now….but the feeling still remains. Do I masturbate….well sure…..doesn’t everyone? (From what I have read over the years….although very few admit it) So yes, I do….however, through the last few years of married life I feel that this old engraved “rule” still shows its face. I always say to myself “I have to stop this…it is wrong to do….it is affecting our sex life…etc” .

Answer:
You are correct that pretty much "everyone" - well, not everyone, but at least the vast majority - of women and men have masturbated at least once in their lives. Most people have even masturbated more than once (hey, a lot of us find it fun, enjoyable, relaxing and/or a good way to learn about one’s body). In fact, as far as research goes, studies often show that somewhere around 95-98% of men report that they have masturbated. Some people say "and the rest are lying" but I don’t think that’s true. I believe that some men, like some women, do not experience sexual desire (some of these women or  men may identify as asexual). There are also men and women who may experience sexual desire but who, for any number of reasons, choose not to masturbate. Some choose not to masturbate due to religious- or family-influenced guilt or shame. Others choose not to masturbate simply because it does not interest them and they may prefer partner sex, or else they may have taken a vow.

As for women, consistent numbers are harder to come by. In part, it depends on when in a woman’s life you ask her if she has masturbated or self-pleasured herself. Whereas most males tend to begin masturbating within about a year or two of puberty, females tend to begin masturbation (or experiencing orgasm) at different ages throughout the lifespan. If you ask American women college students if they have ever masturbated, one might find figures in the range of 44-80% depending on various factors (probably lower figures if you ask in a face-to-face interview, higher figures if you ask in an anonymous survey; also probably lower if you ask college freshmen and higher if you ask college seniors, who have typically engaged in more sexual encounters - and a wider range - than younger college students).

Whether one feels that masturbation is "right" or "wrong" is a personal value. However, we do know that some men and women experience shame and guilt over masturbation - a behavior that is entirely common not only in adulthood but throughout life. Others experience no shame, and lots of fun and excitement about their masturbation. As in, YAY for masturbation!!!! (See Betty Dodson’s Sex for One or The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex for particularly sex positive views on masturbation and self-pleasuring).

Some researchers have asked parents and caregivers about their childrens’ behavior and found that most parents/caregivers report that their children do, in fact, touch their genitals. Whether these children are experiencing sexual arousal, or whether it is "curiosity touching", or just "habit", is anyone’s guess. We don’t know. But if you have ever cared for young children at home or in a school or day care setting, you probably know how common it is. As children we are curious about our bodies and as adolescents and adults we continue to explore them in varied ways.

Masturbation is also not something that one only does when one is feeling lonely or doesn’t have a partner or is single. We know from research that quite a lot of coupled and married people continue to masturbate. In fact, some research suggests that coupled women and men may be more likely to masturbate. They may be so regularly involved in sex that they find it enjoyable to "supplement" with a little self-touching. Also, many married/coupled women and men enjoy masturbating with their partner, or in front of their partner, or if one person is too tired for sex one night, they might say "not tonight dear, can you take care of it yourself?" No harm there!

There is much more I can say about masturbation - and I will (another day) - but as a peak into what else we know, would it surprise you to learn that frequent ejaculation when a man is younger (20s, 30s) - whether through masturbation or partner sex - has even been associated with a lower risk for prostate cancer as one ages? So  yes, masturbation and partner sex may even be good for us - not just emotionally, but physically too.

To learn more about masturbation and various perspectives on the topic (religious, cultural, political, sociological, even comical!) - check out The Big Book of Masturbation by Martha Cornog.

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This week in Velocity, I respond to readers’ questions about:

- vaginal wetness/dryness
- giving a guy a chance (even though he talks way too much about himself)
- a woman’s husband who takes a super duper long time to climax

Admit it. You want to know more. So does everybody else! Visit Velocity’s web site to read the entire column.

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