Question:
Hi Dr. Debby, I’d like to know what percentage of men would have/enjoy having phone sex with their partner? I asked my boyfriend (we’re both in our early 20s) if he’d ever had phone sex and he got defensive and said "No, i’m not that desperate." I wanted to try it since I’ve been living half-way around the world for the past three months. I personally don’t think it’s at all desparate, but rather a way for us to be intimate despite the distance. Although after his remark I’m afraid to even bring it up again. The thing is he’s not sexually conservative and so I was a little insulted by his reaction. Thanks Debby! I really hope you’ll shed some light.

Answer:
Thanks for your question. We dont have exact figures on how many men would enjoy phone sex and really what matters is your relationship - not other men in general. Long distance relationships are challenging, no doubt about it, so good for you two for trying to communicate as best as you possibly can across the miles that are currently separating you too. I wonder if you two share the same meaning for "phone sex" - I wonder if he thought that you were asking if he had ever called a 1-900 phone number for sex, rather than asking him if he had ever had sex with a partner before, while on the phone. And anyway, my guess is that you are less interested in whether he has done it before in the past (does that matter?) and more interested in whether he would be interesting in trying it with you some time.

If you are feeling like you would like to be intimate with him, in spite of the miles, try saying that. Maybe something like "Remember when I asked about whether you had tried phone sex before? I was asking because I miss being sexual with you, now that we’re apart, and I was thinking of ways that we might be able to be sexual while we’re separated, like by having sex on the phone together, or exchanging sexy text messages or IMs, or if there are other ideas you have,,,?" That does two things - it clarifies what you meant by phone sex, and it also lets him know that your ultimate goal is to feel like you can be closer together sexually while you are apart.

If I’ve got him wrongly pegged and he ends up saying things that sound judgmental or hurtful to you (like "I would never do that, that’s desperate!", etc) then try to step back, be gentle with yourself (and with him) and perhaps ask if he really means that. After all, nearly everyone has said something that they didn’t really mean when they were feeling upset or anxious or insecure. If he does, maybe ask him why he feels that way, and try to get him to expand on whatever he says by saying things like "I’m not sure I understand. Can you say a little more about that?" or "So are you saying that… (and then try to paraphrase what you heard)". It may be that he is dealing with his own issues of shame, guilt or discomfort around sex - which are not "about" you, but may have the effect of hurting you or being difficult to understand. I hope this helps. Take care. 

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In this week’s Kinsey Confidential podcast, I respond to a question from a woman who is concerned about her body size and her ability to please her partner. Learn more about our podcasts on the NPR site or Kinsey Confidential web site.

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Texas Tech University’s psychology department produces podcasts and a recent podcast was about virginity. Listen to the podcast (which includes clips from an interview with me) here. It was a phone interview, so it turned out a little fuzzy, but they did a very nice job stringing the clips and issues together. This particular group at TTU is doing important work by taking complex issues in the area of psychology and human experience and making podcasts about them.

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Here is another version of a seated sex position. If a man and woman are having sex, seated sex (with the woman on top) can be a great way to give the woman more control and potentially to stimulate her g spot, if she enjoys that (like any other type of sexual stimulation, not all women do).

In this version, the penetrating partner sits on a chair as usual. The partner who is being penetrated sits completely on top and rubs back and forth in more of a grinding motion which can stimulate both the vagina (and again, potentially the g spot area) as well as the clitoris, thanks to the pelvic grinding.

The g spot, in case you weren’t sure, is generally described as the area on the front wall of the vagina (same side of the body as the belly button) about one or two inches inside the vagina.

My drawing of this sex position can be found after the jump.

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Here is ANOTHER adaptation of the plow. Can you tell how much I love yoga? In this version of the plow, the penetrating partner sort of squats above the receptive partner who is in the plow position.

You should be sober, fit, flexible and comfortable with each other’s bodies before taking this one. It is a position that allows for deep penetration.

See the drawing I made of it after the jump.  (more…)

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In this version of "sex in a chair", the penetrating partner sits on the chair and the partner who is being penetrated squats over their partner but does not rest her or his total weight down… in other words, the top partner does NOT sit. She/he squats on top, which allows for more up & down movement. Fun times.

See the drawing that explains it all after the jump.

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This position is an adaptation of missionary. It is somewhat similar to the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT) but differs in some ways, such as the bottom partner’s leg position.

Missionary does NOT have to be boring.

In this adaptation, the penetrating partner slides his body forward/upward more such that his/her partners are past the bottom partner’s shoulders (closer to the bottom partner’s face). This primes the position for pelvic grinding which may be particularly key if the bottom partner is a woman and enjoys having her clitoris stimulated at the same time she is having vaginal sex.

Yum-my.

You can find my drawing of this super fun sex position after the jump.

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The frenulum is the little triangular area on the underside of the penis, toward the glans (head) of the penis. We have other frenulums on our body too - if you look in the mirrior and lift up your tongue, you will see a triangular area there which is the frenulum of your tongue. If you’re a guy and you go to a piercing studio and say that you’d like your frenulum pierced, they will probably ask "which one?"

The frenulum is a sensitive part of the penis for many men. If you’re looking to play around with your fellatio technique, consider the occasional tongue flick, suck or warm air directed to this area. Men, if you’re playing with vibration on your own, this also might be an area where you’d enjoy a little buzz either from your own toy or from borrowing your partner’s (though you should always clean sex toys before and after each use, and you might put a condom over the sex toy to minimize the risk of harboring bacteria in the often-porous surfaces of toys).

Now go out and have fun with the frenulum. That’s what it’s there for! Well, sort of.

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Some people really enjoy role-playing as part of their sexual activities. They may even wear costumes to play out their fantasies. If you were the above-pictured pugs, that could apparently include Star Wars costumes. As a human being, it still might!

One of my favorite sites for adult costumes is Three Wishes Lingerie where costumes come in a wide range of sizes for a wide range of bodies, and they have men’s costumes too.

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This particular (penetrative) position is an adaptation of what, in yoga, we call "the plow." It can be done by two people, regardless of their gender. A man and a woman work fine. So do two men. Two women can use a strap-on or similar. Both partners should be fairly fit, quite flexible, and comfortable with their own and each other’s bodies.

It’s just a drawing… stick figure sex, as I’ve been known for in some circles. And you can find it after the jump.

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