“It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.” - Henry Rollins

Now THAT is a heartbreaker, isn’t it? When someone you used to know every particle of becomes someone you wouldn’t really recognize. Sure, maybe you would recognize them by sight - but no longer by the way they feel or what they fear or what they want to do with their lives.

Once I was on the phone with someone I had dated in high school. When we were in high school, he wanted to be a veterinarian. As it turned out, he became a doctor of another sort. When I said something about how he had wanted to be a vet, he said "I did?" as if he didn’t even recall. In that instant, I felt like our whole earlier relationship - and what I remembered of it - minor as it had been, was called into question. I felt silly even being on the phone with him, even though I didn’t even like him in that way anymore and hadn’t for years.

Another time, only a year or two after a break-up, someone I had been in a relationship with brought me fruit pie because, as he remembered it, I loved fruit pies (e.g., apple, cherry, blueberry, etc). The funny thing is that he was right - when I was with him, I did like fruit pies, but honestly I had forgotten that about myself. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had had a slice of pies and it wasn’t at all a part of how I thought of myself. I said something about that and he looked so hurt. It was like in that instant, he realized he didn’t know the current me anymore either.

These are small examples, of course. I’m sure you can think of bigger ones either with relationship partners or friends or family members. Even though there’s a bit of pain in this, there is also something special about times when someone remembers parts of you that you may have forgotten or lost somewhere along the way. And in a way, I think that’s hopeful because sometimes we lose some of our best, most honest, committed and inspiring parts, and it’s reassuring (to me, anyway) that someone somewhere knows that we still have that potential.

[Image above by a book that I really really want to get - and you can learn more about it here.]

Bookmark To

I recently learned that KY had created an "Intimacy Index" to help couples assess their level of intimacy and I’ve got to say - it either is completely broken or they are actively trying to make people feel bad about their relationships and sex lives. I took the quiz multiple times and used different response patterns to see what would happen, but they were all generally very positive responses, indicating someone who is very happy and satisfied with their relationship and sex life with their partner. And yet every single time I did this, I got the same response (above) which told me that "…a large majority (92%) of Americans in committed relationships indicated that their level of intimacy was higher. Don’t fret, though… and don’t forget, there is help at your fingertups, even in your local retailer" (yeah, you can guess where that is going).

KY lubricant and KY massage products will not necessarily help an ailing relationship (Lesson 1). And Lesson 2 is that something is seriously wrong with their scoring system. Even though each time I took the "index" I was able to change my score, it always said that 92% of people scored higher. It didn’t matter whether my score was 57 or 66 or in the 70s. It doesn’t take a scientist (although I’m a scientist) to see that something is wrong with their system. People who are in relationships have enough pressures related to making their relationship work - does KY really have to try to make people feel like everyone is more satisfied/intimate than they are, just to sell a little more lube?

Of course, this comes a few months after I met with some KY reps at a conference and they were unable to answer basic questions that I had about the safety of their new Liquibeads product. A year or two ago what disappointed me most was that they had positioned their lubricants and massage oils near each other in many retail stores - and had used nearly identical packaging and labeling - which has the potential to confuse people. Why does that matter? Because if people mistakenly use massage oil with latex condoms (thinking that the massage oil is a lube), then the condoms can break (oil breaks down latex), raising the risk for infection or unintended pregnancy.

Oh, KY. Please consider the direction you’ve been headed!!! You have SUCH GREAT POTENTIAL.

UPDATE: I  had a friend take the quiz too. He got a very high score as well and yet he, too, got the whole "92% of Amreicans…. indicated that their level of intimacy was higher." KY needs to either fix this glitch (if that’s what it is) or figure out a way to not make people feel bad about their relationships.

Bookmark To

Check out this great post from the Boston Globe’s web site about how 79% of people in a recent survey said that the TiVo/DVR/similar gadgets had helped their personal relationships. You can imagine how it may have helped more than a few sex lives, too - perhaps less fighting about which show to watch and more possibilities for turning off a television show (with plans to watch it later) while you took advantage of a partner’s interest in having sex right. this. very. minute. No more need to choose between Sex and the City and Sex in Your Own Bedroom, or Sports Center and Personal Sex Center! You can, they’d like us to believe, have it all. Ah, the American dream.

What a great reminder to turn off the bedroom and - at the very least - talk to each other. Look at each other when you’re talking to show that you’re listening. Rub your partner’s back or feet. Ask - sincerely - how their day was. Spend time with your children. Call your parents or grandparents. And if you’ve got a partner, have sex sometimes too! It’s fun, right?

[Thanks, Chris, for the link.]

Bookmark To

Here’s a clip from an old - but still true and relevant! - Men’s Health piece that I was interviewed for. Guys - if this doesn’t encourage you to reach for the vaccuum, I don’t know what will. The bottom line, of course, is that partners in life often end up being good partners in bed. Chip in and support each other as you can. Read the full article here.

Bookmark To

This past holiday season, I was with a group at the Mayflower Hotel bar in DC - yes, the same Mayflower Hotel that Eliot Spitzer allegedly met "Kristen" at. A man who was festively singing Christmas music asked me to join in several times. I said that I would join in only if they played Jingle Bell Rock. Well, soon enough the fantastic piano player (bottom left) did just that, which got me out of my seat and joining in song and dance by the piano with the nameless festive man (pictured with me). 

This week, in your relationships, consider trying something a little new or slightly outside your comfort zone. Whether that’s a new way of communicating or a new-to-you type of stimulation (or position) is up to you. You never know - you just might have a blast. I did!

And remember: new things don’t have to be drastic. The slightest variations can make all of the difference. Instead of sitting on separate sofas while you watch television tonight, sit on the same sofa and rub your partner’s feet. Rather than sit home alone, call a friend and chat on the phone. If you’re into missionary (as are most people in the world, it seems) try slight variations by tiliting your hips upward or downward (if you’re on the bottom) or angling your body at 45 degrees or coming in close for kisses and whispered words (if you’re on top).

So many options, so little time…

Bookmark To

I know it’s been a while, but loyal MSP readers know how much I enjoy my old worn copy of "Love is…" What a great image of Woodstock sticking it out, even when all signs point to an end. It makes me think of the depths that good friends go to for each other, and family members being there through thick and thin, and hanging in there with a partner even when he or she breaks one’s heart (and, as they say, every relationship has its betrayals - at least if it survives long enough, it does).

Hmmm….

Bookmark To

I have mostly always been a very happy, cheerful person - except, you know, when it’s hard to be cheerful (and EVERYONE has those days!). Not too long ago when  was in San Fran, this framed print was in my hotel room. Awesome, I thought. I’m totally a poster child for this idea! I firmly believe that blue skies and big puffy clouds are around us all. I also believe that optimism can be cultivated and that it can enhance one’s personal relationships with friends, family members and romantic partners. Try - if you’re interested - in focusing on what you are grateful for in regard to the people around you. What has gone right today? Who really came through for you, even though maybe it was hard for them? Who noticed you or paid attention in a lovely way today?

Bookmark To

Another picture that I took of a coffee shop journal entry. It reads:

I had learned through life experiences to be wary of love. Love hurts. Breaks your soul. But I have discovered that life experiences sometimes are only to make you see the beauty in things to come. Love does not always hurt. Love can invigorate you - dredge you up from the depths of hell. Now, through God’s grace, I understand. I was only being prepared for this, the rarest of all things, the true pure love that I feel for you. Unlike everything I’ve ever known. And I am grateful every day to wake up in the morning and just watch you breathing, laying next to me. I am grateful for every loving gaze into my eyes, every time your arms are wrapped around me. And I am grateful, most of all, that I never completely gave up on love. Thanks to God, and to you, for the joy and wonder that is my life. I love you. Today, tomorrow, forever.

Come on, now. Thoughts, anyone? Were you as moved as I was? Okay, so there is one tiny cynical side of me that thinks, um, was this written by a high school senior or college sophomore (or similar young, inexperienced person) who had one bad high school heartbreak, then fell in love again and now thinks that they have found nirvana? And then there is a bigger part of me that is like, right on! I know! I have been there - all of the "theres", by the way. The sadness. The despair. The heartbreak. Getting to the point where you think "okay, I’m pretty sure I’ll fall in love again one day, but right now I can’t imagine ever being able to fall in love". And then I also know the euphoria, and the calm, and the gratitude of having hung in there and fallen in love again and then going "ah, so THIS is what I was missing before."

Thoughts"?

Bookmark To

I took this photo in one of those coffee shops where they have journals laying around and people write or draw in them. Actually I took a few pictures. Here is just one that I found poignant. I mean, haven’t we all been there? I have! I think most women and men feel afraid, at times, of relationships, falling in love, getting hurt, getting in too deep, their own sexuality, their own potential for loving or lusting after someone. (Sigh). And yet in order to really gain something big you usually have to risk big, too.

It reminds me of a quote that I have long liked: "A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for" (William Shedd)

Go out there - fall in love, get hurt, cry and moan and then get up and fall in love again. I think the pain and lessons are worth it most of the time. What do you think?

Bookmark To

CurrentTV’s Sarah Haskins tackles the mania of wedding shows and the ways in which they depict women. Good for a laugh - and a little critical thinking. Check it out here

Bookmark To