Question:
I grew up in a very catholic family, and it has been drilled into my head’s wiring that masturbation is wrong. Being in my 30s now, you would think I would be over this by now….but the feeling still remains. Do I masturbate….well sure…..doesn’t everyone? (From what I have read over the years….although very few admit it) So yes, I do….however, through the last few years of married life I feel that this old engraved “rule” still shows its face. I always say to myself “I have to stop this…it is wrong to do….it is affecting our sex life…etc” .

Answer:
You are correct that pretty much "everyone" - well, not everyone, but at least the vast majority - of women and men have masturbated at least once in their lives. Most people have even masturbated more than once (hey, a lot of us find it fun, enjoyable, relaxing and/or a good way to learn about one’s body). In fact, as far as research goes, studies often show that somewhere around 95-98% of men report that they have masturbated. Some people say "and the rest are lying" but I don’t think that’s true. I believe that some men, like some women, do not experience sexual desire (some of these women or  men may identify as asexual). There are also men and women who may experience sexual desire but who, for any number of reasons, choose not to masturbate. Some choose not to masturbate due to religious- or family-influenced guilt or shame. Others choose not to masturbate simply because it does not interest them and they may prefer partner sex, or else they may have taken a vow.

As for women, consistent numbers are harder to come by. In part, it depends on when in a woman’s life you ask her if she has masturbated or self-pleasured herself. Whereas most males tend to begin masturbating within about a year or two of puberty, females tend to begin masturbation (or experiencing orgasm) at different ages throughout the lifespan. If you ask American women college students if they have ever masturbated, one might find figures in the range of 44-80% depending on various factors (probably lower figures if you ask in a face-to-face interview, higher figures if you ask in an anonymous survey; also probably lower if you ask college freshmen and higher if you ask college seniors, who have typically engaged in more sexual encounters - and a wider range - than younger college students).

Whether one feels that masturbation is "right" or "wrong" is a personal value. However, we do know that some men and women experience shame and guilt over masturbation - a behavior that is entirely common not only in adulthood but throughout life. Others experience no shame, and lots of fun and excitement about their masturbation. As in, YAY for masturbation!!!! (See Betty Dodson’s Sex for One or The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex for particularly sex positive views on masturbation and self-pleasuring).

Some researchers have asked parents and caregivers about their childrens’ behavior and found that most parents/caregivers report that their children do, in fact, touch their genitals. Whether these children are experiencing sexual arousal, or whether it is "curiosity touching", or just "habit", is anyone’s guess. We don’t know. But if you have ever cared for young children at home or in a school or day care setting, you probably know how common it is. As children we are curious about our bodies and as adolescents and adults we continue to explore them in varied ways.

Masturbation is also not something that one only does when one is feeling lonely or doesn’t have a partner or is single. We know from research that quite a lot of coupled and married people continue to masturbate. In fact, some research suggests that coupled women and men may be more likely to masturbate. They may be so regularly involved in sex that they find it enjoyable to "supplement" with a little self-touching. Also, many married/coupled women and men enjoy masturbating with their partner, or in front of their partner, or if one person is too tired for sex one night, they might say "not tonight dear, can you take care of it yourself?" No harm there!

There is much more I can say about masturbation - and I will (another day) - but as a peak into what else we know, would it surprise you to learn that frequent ejaculation when a man is younger (20s, 30s) - whether through masturbation or partner sex - has even been associated with a lower risk for prostate cancer as one ages? So  yes, masturbation and partner sex may even be good for us - not just emotionally, but physically too.

To learn more about masturbation and various perspectives on the topic (religious, cultural, political, sociological, even comical!) - check out The Big Book of Masturbation by Martha Cornog.

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Question:
Two of us (a man and a woman) are going to give a third (a woman) a full body massage for Valentine’s Day. We have both given massages before, but never together. Do you have any recommendations on “logistics” (for lack of a better word) so that we are not working at cross-purposes while massaging? I’m afraid if we each do an arm at the same time, our touches may be so different that it pulls her (figuratively) in two different directions, and that neither becomes relaxing. Any advice?

Answer:
Thanks for your question. It seems to me like there are a few issues here: the symmetry of the massage, the logistics of maneuvering around each other, and the client/gift recipient’s needs (how lucky she is to have such a thoughtful massage therapist, by the way!!). 

I agree that it may feel odd if you are both working on the same parts, just different sides, at the same time. It also may not be best for the body as you may end up with one side getting a firm massage and the second side a lighter massage.

Instead, I would consider ways that your touches can complement each other. I have enjoyed massages where touches were somewhat surprising - like while hands were firmly traveling down the sides of my back, suddenly another hand was more lightly moving up and down my spine. So if you can think about different forms of touch and ways that you can pay attention to each other without words (so it doesn’t become a noisy negotiation while she is trying to relax), that may help. You might even designate one person to "lead" the massage and the other to be the complement to the touch so that you don’t have to constantly talk during the massage about what you are going to do.

You might also talk to the client/giftee at the start and say something like "for many people, having four hands instead of two is like a dream come true! You can have your back massaged while, at the same time, making sure that enough time is spent on other places you might like touched such as in between your toes, or your hands, scalp, or the muscles in your legs." It may be that you can talk about this while she is still dressed, and ask to think about this while she is getting undressed, thus giving her some time to think about what is feeling tense or tight on that particular day. When you two enter the room, she can let you know what she has thought and you may be able to work on one part while your massage partner can work on the other part.

In the end, your intentions as a massage team and the receptivity of your client will be integral parts of the experience. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Best,

Debby

[Above image via this site.]

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