Question: 
Are there any tricks or methods, etc…. that can aid or assist in maintaining or extending the amount of time that a female is wet?  Is there a specific length of time that female can be wet?  Is this an individual thing?  When she is "dry" is feels as if the her vagina is smaller/tighter (not sure if this is possible) or if her arousal "loosens" up the muscles within the vagina and allows for "easier access".  Any thoughts?

Answer:
1) Generally, it is only excitement that extends natural vaginal lubrication, but sometimes even if a woman is super excited she may have reached her personal level of wetness for the day (there is only so much wetness to go around and yes it is individual). Other things can make a woman feel more dry, too, like if she is stressed, if she just had a warm bath or shower, or if she is taking certain medication (some birth control pills - probably particularly low estrogen pills - and antihistamines may be related to less vagina lubrication).
2) Not a specific length of time that I have ever seen.
3) Yes, dryness = more friction so things feel tighter. Wetness = more slippery, less friction, so things feel looser. Kind of like greasing a ring to take it off of a finger - neither the ring nor the finger change size, but it feels looser/comes off quicker. It is also the case that there might be some true difference you are detecting in that if a woman is super aroused, she is likely lubricating quite a bit (very wet) AND, as part of the arousal process, her vagina is probably tenting, which means that it is getting longer and wider, thus making room for penetration.
 
Oh, the wonders of arousal.
 
If you’re in a too-dry situation, you can add lube. If you’re in a too-wet situation, you can use a nearby towel or the sheets to dry things off a bit (you and her). Hope this helps

Debby

[Image via this site.]

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Question:
How can I tell if my drinking results from her lack of interest in me; or her lack of interest in me results from my drinking?

Answer:
I wouldn’t recommend the Magic 8 Ball for this type of question. Instead, I would recommend some combination of quiet thinking alone, open and gentle communication with your partner and/or couples counseling (www.aamft.org to find a family/couples/marital counselor; www.aasect.org to find a sex therapist or counselor).

Regardless of the precipitating factor - which came first - it seems like you have identified two issues that you would like to explore in more depth: your drinking and your partner’s lack of interest in you. Does it matter which came first if both feel problematic to you now?

Sometimes people find that when they drink quite a bit, it gets them out of any real intimacy or communication with other people. True, you  may feel more uninhibited and say things that you perhaps wouldn’t otherwise say, but that - at least to me - is not the kind of intimacy I am talking about. Intimacy and open communication involve both talking and listening, and being able to understand (and yes, remember the next day) what you and your partner are discussing.

A note on communication: If you approach your partner to discuss your relationship, her interest in you, and your sex life, I would suggest being sober, gentle, honest (while still being kind), and communicating with conscious intention - in other words, being aware of what you want when you speak. Sometimes, when we pay attention to how we speak to another person, we might find that our intention is really to hurt that person, to make them feel insecure, to make them laugh, to make them happy, to cause them feel unloved, to  make them feel jealous or to make them feel accepted. If you can learn to be aware of your intentions, you may find that it helps to direct your communication, to apologize for words that don’t come out right the first time, and to start the conversation again with intentions to work through problems or hurt feelings.

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Question:
I grew up in a very catholic family, and it has been drilled into my head’s wiring that masturbation is wrong. Being in my 30s now, you would think I would be over this by now….but the feeling still remains. Do I masturbate….well sure…..doesn’t everyone? (From what I have read over the years….although very few admit it) So yes, I do….however, through the last few years of married life I feel that this old engraved “rule” still shows its face. I always say to myself “I have to stop this…it is wrong to do….it is affecting our sex life…etc” .

Answer:
You are correct that pretty much "everyone" - well, not everyone, but at least the vast majority - of women and men have masturbated at least once in their lives. Most people have even masturbated more than once (hey, a lot of us find it fun, enjoyable, relaxing and/or a good way to learn about one’s body). In fact, as far as research goes, studies often show that somewhere around 95-98% of men report that they have masturbated. Some people say "and the rest are lying" but I don’t think that’s true. I believe that some men, like some women, do not experience sexual desire (some of these women or  men may identify as asexual). There are also men and women who may experience sexual desire but who, for any number of reasons, choose not to masturbate. Some choose not to masturbate due to religious- or family-influenced guilt or shame. Others choose not to masturbate simply because it does not interest them and they may prefer partner sex, or else they may have taken a vow.

As for women, consistent numbers are harder to come by. In part, it depends on when in a woman’s life you ask her if she has masturbated or self-pleasured herself. Whereas most males tend to begin masturbating within about a year or two of puberty, females tend to begin masturbation (or experiencing orgasm) at different ages throughout the lifespan. If you ask American women college students if they have ever masturbated, one might find figures in the range of 44-80% depending on various factors (probably lower figures if you ask in a face-to-face interview, higher figures if you ask in an anonymous survey; also probably lower if you ask college freshmen and higher if you ask college seniors, who have typically engaged in more sexual encounters - and a wider range - than younger college students).

Whether one feels that masturbation is "right" or "wrong" is a personal value. However, we do know that some men and women experience shame and guilt over masturbation - a behavior that is entirely common not only in adulthood but throughout life. Others experience no shame, and lots of fun and excitement about their masturbation. As in, YAY for masturbation!!!! (See Betty Dodson’s Sex for One or The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex for particularly sex positive views on masturbation and self-pleasuring).

Some researchers have asked parents and caregivers about their childrens’ behavior and found that most parents/caregivers report that their children do, in fact, touch their genitals. Whether these children are experiencing sexual arousal, or whether it is "curiosity touching", or just "habit", is anyone’s guess. We don’t know. But if you have ever cared for young children at home or in a school or day care setting, you probably know how common it is. As children we are curious about our bodies and as adolescents and adults we continue to explore them in varied ways.

Masturbation is also not something that one only does when one is feeling lonely or doesn’t have a partner or is single. We know from research that quite a lot of coupled and married people continue to masturbate. In fact, some research suggests that coupled women and men may be more likely to masturbate. They may be so regularly involved in sex that they find it enjoyable to "supplement" with a little self-touching. Also, many married/coupled women and men enjoy masturbating with their partner, or in front of their partner, or if one person is too tired for sex one night, they might say "not tonight dear, can you take care of it yourself?" No harm there!

There is much more I can say about masturbation - and I will (another day) - but as a peak into what else we know, would it surprise you to learn that frequent ejaculation when a man is younger (20s, 30s) - whether through masturbation or partner sex - has even been associated with a lower risk for prostate cancer as one ages? So  yes, masturbation and partner sex may even be good for us - not just emotionally, but physically too.

To learn more about masturbation and various perspectives on the topic (religious, cultural, political, sociological, even comical!) - check out The Big Book of Masturbation by Martha Cornog.

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Question:
Two of us (a man and a woman) are going to give a third (a woman) a full body massage for Valentine’s Day. We have both given massages before, but never together. Do you have any recommendations on “logistics” (for lack of a better word) so that we are not working at cross-purposes while massaging? I’m afraid if we each do an arm at the same time, our touches may be so different that it pulls her (figuratively) in two different directions, and that neither becomes relaxing. Any advice?

Answer:
Thanks for your question. It seems to me like there are a few issues here: the symmetry of the massage, the logistics of maneuvering around each other, and the client/gift recipient’s needs (how lucky she is to have such a thoughtful massage therapist, by the way!!). 

I agree that it may feel odd if you are both working on the same parts, just different sides, at the same time. It also may not be best for the body as you may end up with one side getting a firm massage and the second side a lighter massage.

Instead, I would consider ways that your touches can complement each other. I have enjoyed massages where touches were somewhat surprising - like while hands were firmly traveling down the sides of my back, suddenly another hand was more lightly moving up and down my spine. So if you can think about different forms of touch and ways that you can pay attention to each other without words (so it doesn’t become a noisy negotiation while she is trying to relax), that may help. You might even designate one person to "lead" the massage and the other to be the complement to the touch so that you don’t have to constantly talk during the massage about what you are going to do.

You might also talk to the client/giftee at the start and say something like "for many people, having four hands instead of two is like a dream come true! You can have your back massaged while, at the same time, making sure that enough time is spent on other places you might like touched such as in between your toes, or your hands, scalp, or the muscles in your legs." It may be that you can talk about this while she is still dressed, and ask to think about this while she is getting undressed, thus giving her some time to think about what is feeling tense or tight on that particular day. When you two enter the room, she can let you know what she has thought and you may be able to work on one part while your massage partner can work on the other part.

In the end, your intentions as a massage team and the receptivity of your client will be integral parts of the experience. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Best,

Debby

[Above image via this site.]

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[above: a gratuitous picture from a trip to Argentina last year; here, I am strapped up in gear to go canopying in Bariloche. I am also apparently rocking the windblown hair look.]

A fun thing about a blog is that you get to write whatever you want. But an even cooler thing about a blog is that you get to write about what your readers want you to write about. So post a comment or send me an email (drdebby@mysexprofessor.com - don’t worry, the email at this address only goes to me; no one else reads it) and tell me whatever topic you’d like me to write about. And then I will write about it. Want to know more about toys, faking it, sex parties, ejaculatory control, getting over break-ups? Whatever you are curious about, let me know.

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