In this episode of Kinsey Confidential, I respond to a listener’s question about performing analingus (also called "rim jobs") on and having anal sex with his girlfriend. You can listen to it here and learn more about our WFIU-produced Kinsey Confidential podcasts on the KC web site or NPR web site.
I loved this question from a young woman whose male partner has a short refractory period, giving him the ability to have another erection soon after ejaculation. Listen to my response to her question here. To learn more about our Kinsey Confidential podcasts, check out our KC web site or NPR’s site.
The women (and men) of Sex and the City are now in their 40s and 50s, but does sex end there? Nope, it just transitions to the big screen! At least in the case of the TV turned movie hit. Jocelyn Novek, in writing for the AP, alludes to how sex changes for women and men as they age, as well as the determination of the Sex and the City producers and actors to embrace these changes.
In real life, human sexuality doesn’t end in one’s 40s or 50s either. Yes, sex may take on new meanings and be expressed in different ways than when one was younger. Granted, I’m not there myself, but I know at least a little bit about sex at midlife and beyond thanks not only to research (see here for results from a recent AARP survey, which looked at sex among those 45 and older) as well as from talking to and interviewing and working with individuals and couples who are in their 40s, 50s and beyond. And it absolultely continues to inspire, engage, interest and enrich me to learn about and help people to enhance their most intimate lives. Though it also makes me laugh to think that my college-aged students, who often say they can’t imagine thinking about people of their parents’ age having sex, are still enraptured with Sex and the City (who are actually the ages of some of their parents).
It’s all in my weekly In&Out column in Time Out Chicago - check it out here.
Some researchers might say no - well, at least within reason (it may be "too much" if you are masturbating to the point of hurting your genitals, or if it is getting in the way of work/school/relationships and causing you distress). But other than that, get out the lube! We’ve known for some time now that frequent ejaculation when one is young (whether from partner sex or solo masturbation) was associated with a reduced risk of prostate cancer as one ages… but this study specifically looked at the masturbation aspect and found a markedly reduced risk of prostate cancer among frequent masturbators. Read more here.
This video nails it all: the realities of sex. Premature ejaculation, (faking) orgasm, male body image, comfortable penetration, having to wake up early in the morning. And it’s all set to music!
The Hospital for Sick Children (I know, not the best name) has the COOLEST web site I have seen all week… maybe even in many weeks. If you go to this page on their site, then click on Genitals on the left hand side, you can see how fetal genital development happens (in a nutshell, of course, nothing too complex is shown here). When I teach human sexuality, I like to point out how the tissue that becomes the head of the penis also becomes the clitoral glans, and the tissue that becomes a male scrotum becomes the labia majora in women, and so on. Doing so, I think, can help students to learn about how our genitals are more similar than we realize, as well as issues around sensitivity (like how the head of the penis and the clitoral glans are sensitive in similar ways). Wow - you have go to play around with this site.
This guy isn’t the first one to be caught having vaccuum sex, but he appears to be the lastest who was not only caught in the act, but who also had his escapade reported in the media. Read the full article here - also, when we women ask you to do your share of the housework, please know that this is not what we mean.
Question:
I grew up in a very catholic family, and it has been drilled into my head’s wiring that masturbation is wrong. Being in my 30s now, you would think I would be over this by now….but the feeling still remains. Do I masturbate….well sure…..doesn’t everyone? (From what I have read over the years….although very few admit it) So yes, I do….however, through the last few years of married life I feel that this old engraved “rule” still shows its face. I always say to myself “I have to stop this…it is wrong to do….it is affecting our sex life…etc” .
Answer:
You are correct that pretty much "everyone" - well, not everyone, but at least the vast majority - of women and men have masturbated at least once in their lives. Most people have even masturbated more than once (hey, a lot of us find it fun, enjoyable, relaxing and/or a good way to learn about one’s body). In fact, as far as research goes, studies often show that somewhere around 95-98% of men report that they have masturbated. Some people say "and the rest are lying" but I don’t think that’s true. I believe that some men, like some women, do not experience sexual desire (some of these women or men may identify as asexual). There are also men and women who may experience sexual desire but who, for any number of reasons, choose not to masturbate. Some choose not to masturbate due to religious- or family-influenced guilt or shame. Others choose not to masturbate simply because it does not interest them and they may prefer partner sex, or else they may have taken a vow.
As for women, consistent numbers are harder to come by. In part, it depends on when in a woman’s life you ask her if she has masturbated or self-pleasured herself. Whereas most males tend to begin masturbating within about a year or two of puberty, females tend to begin masturbation (or experiencing orgasm) at different ages throughout the lifespan. If you ask American women college students if they have ever masturbated, one might find figures in the range of 44-80% depending on various factors (probably lower figures if you ask in a face-to-face interview, higher figures if you ask in an anonymous survey; also probably lower if you ask college freshmen and higher if you ask college seniors, who have typically engaged in more sexual encounters - and a wider range - than younger college students).
Whether one feels that masturbation is "right" or "wrong" is a personal value. However, we do know that some men and women experience shame and guilt over masturbation - a behavior that is entirely common not only in adulthood but throughout life. Others experience no shame, and lots of fun and excitement about their masturbation. As in, YAY for masturbation!!!! (See Betty Dodson’s Sex for One or The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex for particularly sex positive views on masturbation and self-pleasuring).
Some researchers have asked parents and caregivers about their childrens’ behavior and found that most parents/caregivers report that their children do, in fact, touch their genitals. Whether these children are experiencing sexual arousal, or whether it is "curiosity touching", or just "habit", is anyone’s guess. We don’t know. But if you have ever cared for young children at home or in a school or day care setting, you probably know how common it is. As children we are curious about our bodies and as adolescents and adults we continue to explore them in varied ways.
Masturbation is also not something that one only does when one is feeling lonely or doesn’t have a partner or is single. We know from research that quite a lot of coupled and married people continue to masturbate. In fact, some research suggests that coupled women and men may be more likely to masturbate. They may be so regularly involved in sex that they find it enjoyable to "supplement" with a little self-touching. Also, many married/coupled women and men enjoy masturbating with their partner, or in front of their partner, or if one person is too tired for sex one night, they might say "not tonight dear, can you take care of it yourself?" No harm there!
There is much more I can say about masturbation - and I will (another day) - but as a peak into what else we know, would it surprise you to learn that frequent ejaculation when a man is younger (20s, 30s) - whether through masturbation or partner sex - has even been associated with a lower risk for prostate cancer as one ages? So yes, masturbation and partner sex may even be good for us - not just emotionally, but physically too.
To learn more about masturbation and various perspectives on the topic (religious, cultural, political, sociological, even comical!) - check out The Big Book of Masturbation by Martha Cornog.
A Florida pastor is encouraging married couples to have sex every day over a period of 30 days whilst challenging unmarrieds to go without sex for 30 days. Hopefully he addressed issues around actually wanting to have sex. I mean, does anyone really think people should have sex if one or both partners doesn’t want to? Doesn’t this add extra pressure to have sex if you’re not up for it because you’re not in the mood or sex is painful? And now you’ve got your pastor saying to go at it?!?! Sure, it makes for publicity - but does it make for good practice? Read the full article here.
(thanks to reader Michael for the article)