Comments on: How Saying No to Sex Can Help You Learn to Love It Again http://www.mysexprofessor.com/how-to-have-sex/3952/ Sexuality education and sexual health information with Dr. Debby Herbenick Fri, 10 Feb 2012 03:32:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: B G.. http://www.mysexprofessor.com/how-to-have-sex/3952/comment-page-1/#comment-4823 B G.. Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:50:31 +0000 http://www.mysexprofessor.com/?p=3952#comment-4823 Hey Debby, I've only just discovered your blog today and it’s pretty awesome... This post interests me quite a bit as hearing no can send my mind into all sorts of trail of thoughts.. I've had quite a high sex drive ever since puberty but didn't first have sex until I was 18, so until then it was day in day out masturbation mostly multiple times a day. So at 18 along comes my current partner whom I have been with for nearly 11 years. The sex, foreplay and desire can be great but our sex drives are far from close. She can go days, weeks with out any sexual contact and I honestly can't go any longer than 24 hours without it driving me mad. The concept of saying 'no' doesn't really work for me, I do believe that being in a relationship it’s my responsibility to provide sexually for her when needed as it is hers for me. And this isn't only a reference to intercourse this includes anything masturbation, oral etc.. I've always been the person to initiate anything sexual in our relationship probably 90%+ of the time, and getting a knock back (no, I’m too tired, I don’t want too etc) quite often leaves me feeling like rubbish and sends my mind into overdrive with all the why nots, or any past problems we've had (sexually related and non sexually related problems). It’s also a similar feeling when she says yes and makes it blatantly obvious she doesn’t want to do it. When it comes to sex, I don’t need to have intercourse I just have the desire to be aroused and fulfilled whether it be intercourse or masturbation etc.. For me sex/arousal is amongst the best feelings on earth, it can clear my mind and make any stresses vanish for the moment. If I have a hard stressful day or just a stressful period in my life the demand for sexual arouse increase and provides that feel good factor, so when it comes to seeking that from my partner in stressful times and getting a negative reply it just feels it adds an extra kick to the stress. This is something we have discussed on several occasions, but never seems to change and I’m not trying to put my partner down we can have great sex, we have many toys and can be quite adventurous at times discovering different pleasures. For me it’s not quality that’s the issue its frequency. And I kind of understand that my daily demands for sexual arousal from my partner as well as my daily self masturbation maybe generally higher than others. I would love to have a partner with an equal sex drive, but I love my partner so much that that isn’t an option for me. So all in all a ‘No’ doesn’t work and has never worked for me! It leaves my emotions highly strung, stresses me out and makes me question things.. You say in your book you spent quite a bit of ink on this topic and I am interested in reading this section, although it scares me to think what would happen if my partner read it.. Would it be like an extra encouragement to say no…. I’ve bookmarked you’re blog site… And can’t wait to read more of your blogs.. Hope your well and looking forward to Christmas.. B Hey Debby,
I’ve only just discovered your blog today and it’s pretty awesome… This post interests me quite a bit as hearing no can send my mind into all sorts of trail of thoughts..
I’ve had quite a high sex drive ever since puberty but didn’t first have sex until I was 18, so until then it was day in day out masturbation mostly multiple times a day. So at 18 along comes my current partner whom I have been with for nearly 11 years. The sex, foreplay and desire can be great but our sex drives are far from close.
She can go days, weeks with out any sexual contact and I honestly can’t go any longer than 24 hours without it driving me mad.

The concept of saying ‘no’ doesn’t really work for me, I do believe that being in a relationship it’s my responsibility to provide sexually for her when needed as it is hers for me. And this isn’t only a reference to intercourse this includes anything masturbation, oral etc..
I’ve always been the person to initiate anything sexual in our relationship probably 90%+ of the time, and getting a knock back (no, I’m too tired, I don’t want too etc) quite often leaves me feeling like rubbish and sends my mind into overdrive with all the why nots, or any past problems we’ve had (sexually related and non sexually related problems). It’s also a similar feeling when she says yes and makes it blatantly obvious she doesn’t want to do it.

When it comes to sex, I don’t need to have intercourse I just have the desire to be aroused and fulfilled whether it be intercourse or masturbation etc.. For me sex/arousal is amongst the best feelings on earth, it can clear my mind and make any stresses vanish for the moment.
If I have a hard stressful day or just a stressful period in my life the demand for sexual arouse increase and provides that feel good factor, so when it comes to seeking that from my partner in stressful times and getting a negative reply it just feels it adds an extra kick to the stress.

This is something we have discussed on several occasions, but never seems to change and I’m not trying to put my partner down we can have great sex, we have many toys and can be quite adventurous at times discovering different pleasures. For me it’s not quality that’s the issue its frequency. And I kind of understand that my daily demands for sexual arousal from my partner as well as my daily self masturbation maybe generally higher than others.

I would love to have a partner with an equal sex drive, but I love my partner so much that that isn’t an option for me.

So all in all a ‘No’ doesn’t work and has never worked for me! It leaves my emotions highly strung, stresses me out and makes me question things..

You say in your book you spent quite a bit of ink on this topic and I am interested in reading this section, although it scares me to think what would happen if my partner read it.. Would it be like an extra encouragement to say no….

I’ve bookmarked you’re blog site… And can’t wait to read more of your blogs..

Hope your well and looking forward to Christmas..

B

]]> By: Rob http://www.mysexprofessor.com/how-to-have-sex/3952/comment-page-1/#comment-4718 Rob Wed, 02 Dec 2009 02:10:06 +0000 http://www.mysexprofessor.com/?p=3952#comment-4718 One would have to carry through on the follow-up activities for this to work. I've been following an online group for sexless marriages this year, and there would appear to be a lot of partners (of both genders and orientations) who reach a point in a relationship where they are unwilling to end it for whatever reason, but will use any excuse or delaying tactic to avoid intimacy. This gets to be very wearing on the other partner... One would have to carry through on the follow-up activities for this to work. I’ve been following an online group for sexless marriages this year, and there would appear to be a lot of partners (of both genders and orientations) who reach a point in a relationship where they are unwilling to end it for whatever reason, but will use any excuse or delaying tactic to avoid intimacy. This gets to be very wearing on the other partner…

]]> By: Rob http://www.mysexprofessor.com/how-to-have-sex/3952/comment-page-1/#comment-6788 Rob Wed, 02 Dec 2009 02:10:00 +0000 http://www.mysexprofessor.com/?p=3952#comment-6788 One would have to carry through on the follow-up activities for this to work. I've been following an online group for sexless marriages this year, and there would appear to be a lot of partners (of both genders and orientations) who reach a point in a relationship where they are unwilling to end it for whatever reason, but will use any excuse or delaying tactic to avoid intimacy. This gets to be very wearing on the other partner... One would have to carry through on the follow-up activities for this to work. I’ve been following an online group for sexless marriages this year, and there would appear to be a lot of partners (of both genders and orientations) who reach a point in a relationship where they are unwilling to end it for whatever reason, but will use any excuse or delaying tactic to avoid intimacy. This gets to be very wearing on the other partner…

]]> By: Chelle http://www.mysexprofessor.com/how-to-have-sex/3952/comment-page-1/#comment-4674 Chelle Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:14:09 +0000 http://www.mysexprofessor.com/?p=3952#comment-4674 This is some really great information. I really appreciate you sharing it and I can't wait to pick up your book. This is some really great information. I really appreciate you sharing it and I can’t wait to pick up your book.

]]> By: Chelle http://www.mysexprofessor.com/how-to-have-sex/3952/comment-page-1/#comment-6787 Chelle Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:14:00 +0000 http://www.mysexprofessor.com/?p=3952#comment-6787 This is some really great information. I really appreciate you sharing it and I can't wait to pick up your book. This is some really great information. I really appreciate you sharing it and I can’t wait to pick up your book.

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