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During a recent trip to Good Vibrations in Brookline, MA, I was pleased to see that strap-on harnesses are getting a bit of a facelift! Instead of the usual basic black harnesses, the store offered an array of snazzy themed harnesses. This got me thinking about the importance of choosing a good harness. Before I tell you my faves, here’s what you should keep in mind when looking for a harness:

1. Bring your toys with you when purchasing a harness. You want to make sure that your toy will fit, especially if the harness ring isn’t removable.

2. Don’t be afraid to bring your partner! A harness can absolutely be a solo purchase, but it’s also fun to get some input from the person you’re sharing it with.

3. Try it on! Most sex shops have changing rooms, and you should absolutely take advantage of this! While some harnesses are adjustable, many are sized, and it’s important to feel totally comfortable in your harness.

Keeping all of that in mind, here are my two favorite strap-on harnesses:

Image courtesy of goodvibrations.com

-The RodeoH Fabric Harness- $45: This harness is not only super cute, but made for comfort! The RodeoH fits like a regular pair of boy briefs, and has a snazzy little built-in cock ring to hold your toy in place. It ranges in size from XS to XL, and at $45, the price is right! Plus, it’s machine-washable. What more can you ask for?

The Betty, image courtesy of goodvibrations.com

-The Betty/The Veronica: For all my fierce femmes out there, this is the perfect harness! Who says you can’t be girly while wielding such a traditionally masculine toy? While these are a bit more pricey than the RodeoH, at $68 each, they’re too cute to pass up! These harnesses fit any size toy, since they use velcro in place of a ring. They’re also machine washable, and range in size from XS to 1X.

Image courtesy of goodvibrations.com

-Spandex Harness: Talk about comfort! These fit like a pair of bike shorts, and are perfect for gender non-conforming folks, as it’s good for pack and play. This has exchangeable O-rings, making it perfect for a variety of toy sizes. Reviewers suggest buying a size down, since they tend to stretch in the wash!

Keep in mind that you don’t have to go super fancy when buying a harness! You can always stick with a traditional triangle leather harness, which tend to range in price from $20-$50. Amazon.com actually offers a great selection of harnesses, though you should go try some on in a store before buying online to make sure it’s right for you!

So, MSP readers, you’re now ready to find the right harness. Don’t forget the three key steps to purchasing a harness, and most of all, don’t forget to have fun!

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I found this succulent while exploring my school’s greenhouse. Vulvalicious much?

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The HIV/AIDS crisis in Africa receives much media attention, but there is another problem: the illegal status of abortions in many countries, which makes them that much more dangerous for women. This article gives a thorough overview of the issues at play, including how outdated colonial laws interact with local norms about sex and birth control. As in many cases, greater access to and education about sex, contraception, and abortion appear to be the best options for maximizing women’s health.

Follow us on Twitter @mysexprofessor. Follow Jeana, the author of this post, @foxyfolklorist.

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Thanks to Garnet, I’ve had the pleasure of reviewing yet another toy from MyPleasure.com. This time, Garnet sent me L’Intimate, an adorably incognito vibrator! For around $30, you get not only a naughty toy that you can keep in plain sight without worrying about curious kids or roommates, but also functioning lint roller.

Here are the specs:

L'Intimate

Size: The L’Intimate is about 7″ from the base, and has 6″ of insertable length.

Materials: Made of non-porous plastic, which makes it easy to clean, but not as natural-feeling as silicon.

Cleaning: This vibrator is waterproof, and can be cleaned with either soap and water or a toy-cleaning wipe (check these out!). Be sure not to put it in the dishwasher, though, since it’s battery operated!

Functions: The L’Intimate has varying speeds which are controlled by a dial at the base of the vibrator, and takes two AA batteries.

Here’s what I love:

-The L’Intimate is actually a reusable lint roller, and fits most sizes of replacement rolls!

-It’s super discreet and adorable (I love the lilac color)

-For the price range, it’s a great vibrator

Here’s what I don’t love:

-The actual vibrator is pretty basic, without any ridges or curves

-Though the speed is variable, there’s only one vibration pattern

Overall, I’d definitely recommend this toy! It works well, is discreet, and the price is right. This would make a great gift for a shy friend, or even as a gag. Head over to MyPleasure.com for more on L’Intimate!

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Photo by Tõnis Riisalu. At Mystika Studio in Tallinn, Estonia.

Debby recently posted some provocative thoughts about size acceptance as it relates to a healthy sense of self and sexuality, to which I would like to add based on my own experience with life changes forcing me to come to terms with, among other things, my belly (which you can see in the photo to the right, playfully protruding from my coin belt at a dance performance).

You see, I am a belly dancer – yet one who, for the majority of her life, has not had much of a belly to speak of. Whether due to my genes or my active life style, that’s just not where my body tends to store fat. Because of this, I’ve had to confront some uncomfortable body policing, such as when people tell me I “can’t” be a belly dancer because I don’t have enough of a belly (um, I’m sorry, if you’re the belly dance police you’d better show some documentation! oh wait, haha, there is no belly dance police, it’s a totally open dance form that accepts people of every body type, age, size, and gender!).

However, due to some life changes recently (moving to a new country and spending a lot of time stationary while writing my dissertation), I discovered my belly. There didn’t used to be much there, and suddenly there was. It gave me the chance to reflect on how infrequently we give ourselves space to check in with our bodies as they change, and to accept them and love them anyway.

Since I enjoy an athletic lifestyle and have unconsciously ingested some of the fat-phobia that constantly surrounds me, I have to admit that my first thoughts regarding my belly fat were not ones of joyful acceptance. I’m not perfect. However, given some time, I was able to accept and embrace this change. It helped that I had belly dancing in my life. Suddenly, whenever I locked or shook my hips, I could see the reverberations in my belly flesh. There was more belly to roll when I wanted to do an undulation. Any movement I did gave me instant visual and kinesthetic feedback as the space around my stomach reacted with a jiggle or wiggle. It was as though I’d always known I could drive fast, but suddenly I had a speedometer that told me just how awesomely fast I was driving.

I’m one of the lucky ones, having such a body-positive hobby in my life. While I totally advocate everyone trying belly dance at least once (it’s a low-impact, gentle dance form that does great things for your hips among other things), I would more realistically hope that everyone is able to take some time to get acquainted with your body how it is now. Not how you wish it were. Not how it was 20 years ago. Connect with your body as it is now, and find a reason or a way to love and accept it. I bet it’ll be good for your emotional and sexual health, as body image ties in to all of these things!

Follow us on Twitter @mysexprofessor. Follow Jeana, the author of this post, @foxyfolklorist.

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A few weeks ago some friends of mine were returning from a lovely dinner out in New York City, and enjoying the evening on their walk back to their apartment. When they were close to their apartment, three young men attempted to mug my three friends.

Attempted.

They weren’t successful because my friend Rose Fox suspected that they were holding a fake gun. One of the suspects said, “I could blast you away right here.” Fairly intense, right? Ms Fox wrote in her blog that her response wasn’t one of fear; “Reader, I laughed. I’m sort of horrified to admit this now, but I did. It was just so ludicrous! “Blast you away”? Here? With so many people around? With a fake gun? An incredulous “ha!” came out of me before I could stop it.” Then she opted to make noise while one partner called the police and the other gave a rather intimidating stare-down.

I’ve only met two of the individuals, but let me tell you that while I found them to be incredibly warm and hilarious (also, Ms Fox writes just as eloquently as she speaks – a real treat if you ever get to sit down and chat with her), I can see how they could easily intimidate. So, instead of mugging my three friends, the suspects opted to run away. 

So why am I sharing a story about how a small woman scared away three would-be-muggers? Partially because the story makes me smile, I like to see crime stopped in its tracks, and you rarely hear stories like this. Also, I love to think about what the would-be-muggers discussed later. However, the main reason is because a news story ran about this incident and I feel that the writer focused more on the fact that my three friends are polyamorous than any other detail. Yes, these three people are polyamorous. However, being polyamorous doesn’t instantly mean that you can scare off would-be-criminals any more than it means that polyamorous individuals have the best sex or never get jealous. Even the title of the article focuses on the relationships, “Muggers With A Fake Gun Thwarted By Polyamorous Inwood Family“, as if that is what is most important. Very few details about the family are shared, but apparently it was important to note who is involved with who as well as the fact that Ms Fox is “open about her polyamorous lifestyle”.

What does their lifestyle have to do with stopping a mugging? The majority of the comments on the article focus on polyamory. One commenter, Jonathan Shepherd Spencer, points out that the lifestyle is not related to the crime. Rather than be annoyed or withdrawing from the situation, my three friends have had a bit of fun with it. A picture was posted on Twitter of the family wearing a holiday gift – new shirts that proudly declare the wearer to be part of the Crimefighting Polyamorists of Inwood. I have lupus, and while it is not a good analogy to compare a health issue to polyamory, I can’t imagine reading an article that would say, “Holly Moyseenko, who attempts to triumph over lupus, karate chopped a would be mugger today.”

I believe that polyamory is significantly more common than many people realize. I have several groups of friends where the majority of people are polyamorous. I am currently monogamous and I see the tables being turned – I was cornered at an event recently while a few people asked me what it was like to be monogamous with confused and fascinated expressions. How different would that article be if the headline was instead “Muggers With A Fake Gun Thwarted By Monogamous Inwood Family?” So, on one hand while I appreciate more individuals showing polyamory in a neutral or positive light, I do not understand how the fact that these three people are polyamorous plays any part in them stopping a mugging.

Do you think it was worth noting that they are polyamorous? Also, would you wear their shirt or a similar one? Unfortunately Christmas (and my birthday) is over, so I may have to find another occasion to add a shirt like this to my wishlist.

Follow us on Twitter @mysexprofessor and find Holly, the author of this post, @ItsHollyAgain.

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Privilege is a concept that affects a lot of people, and  yet it’s really hard to talk about. The basic idea behind privilege is that someone lives within conditions that benefit them, and so they don’t really have to think about what it’s like to not have those benefits. Common examples include white privilege (white people don’t encounter the effects of racism very often, so they don’t tend to think in those terms) and male privilege (men don’t know what it’s like to be sexually harassed the way so many women are, so they often dismiss women’s claims of harassment as trivial).

One of the reasons this is a difficult concept for many is that it’s hard to measure. If you’ve not had the same experiences as someone else, how do you compare them? Moreover, nobody likes to be accused of being privileged; it’s not like white people or straight people or men got to choose to be that way, although they do end up reaping a lot of benefits.

This is why this essay by Natalie, born with a Y chromosome but living as a woman, is so fascinating: she started out life as a guy, but then had male privilege taken away from her when she chose to live as a woman. When discussing the differences between living as a man and living as a woman she writes: “But by far the thing that has been the biggest adjustment, the most prominent issue, the one that has caused me the most stress and emotional difficulty, and has been the biggest surprise and took me most off guard, is learning to live with cat calls and sexual harassment.” Natalie details her experiences having to deal with street harassment, cheesy come-on lines, and situations that made her feel downright unsafe.

She concludes (and I totally agree): “So please, take it from someone who has a basis of comparison, who had it but sacrificed it, male privilege is real. Women don’t have it easier. And while we’re pretty much all being hurt by the gender binary, and no one is really benefiting all that much, women are getting the worst of it.”

Read and pass it on; I think a comparison of one person’s experience living as a man and living as a woman is a pretty convincing demonstration that privilege exists, and it sucks. As an aside, I found this discussion of male privilege in nerd culture to also be pretty interesting. The author does a good job of explaining why “The idea that perhaps the way women are portrayed in fandom is a leetle sexist is regularly met with denials, justifications and outright dismissal of the issue” – since having to confront the demands for inclusion from excluded groups takes away the privilege that makes the privileged group feel most at home (see this comic for a visual corroboration).

Privilege isn’t a comfortable or happy topic to discuss; it often puts people on the defensive. But I think these are important conversations to have, if we want people of every gender, sexuality, ethnicity, and any other excluded identity category to feel that they also have access to choices and lifestyles and hobbies and integrity and… well… just about anything else they (we) want, seeing as we’re all human beings with hopes and dreams and desires and needs.

Follow us on Twitter @mysexprofessor. Follow Jeana, the author of this post, @foxyfolklorist.

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Back in October of 2011, I took my first trip overseas to the United Kingdom. Yet it wasn’t until recent (when I read Jeana’s post about the Torre Agbar‘s phallic resemblance) that I remember that I snapped this photo!

It was Jeann’s description of the “cucumber-like tower” in Barcelona that instantly reminded me of this photo (and why I even snapped it in the first place… HELLO — phallic architecture).

We were on a ferry from London to Greenwich, and as we passed this bit of skyline — I knew exactly where this would come in handy (punny, yes?).

Follow us on Twitter@mysexprofessor or make friends with us on Facebook. You can also follow Madeline Haller, the author of this post, @voiceMLINE.

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Let me first start this out by saying that I love baseball. If you’re out with me and there’s a television showing a baseball game, especially if the World Series is on, you may have a difficult time getting my full attention. When I travel, I love to be able to catch a game in person. The Padres are one of my favorite teams (don’t stop reading just yet!) and I loved being able to see them at Petco Stadium play the Pittsburgh Pirates in May when I was in San Diego for a conference. (FYI: you can get standing room tickets for only $5 at the gate day of game. The Park is gorgeous and there are a few places to grab a seat, but some of the standing room spots garnered a better view than an actual seat).

So what’s with the baseball talk? I’m not going to talk about the last time I got a home run (heck, I play softball in the summer and I get so excited when I hit the ball that I just stand there. I forget to run because I expect to have not hit the ball). I was giggling when I read that a Philadelphia court overturned a case, and essentially said it was okay to trade sex for tickets to the World Series (if you are interested, it was in 2009 when the Phillies played the Yankees). Apparently Susan Finkelstein was charged with prostitution when in order to try to get tickets to the World Series game she placed a rather racy ad – she says she was trying to flirt her way into some discounted tickets. Her ad didn’t specifically state that there would be sex, just that she had “creative” approaches. When someone responded to her ad (naturally, it would be an undercover police officer), she sent them some topless photos of her. The police say that she offered them sex acts for those prized tickets. However, the week of Christmas a court decided that they would overrule the charge of prostitution and lower her charge – Ms Finkelstein is on probation and has some community service to do (probably not involving sending some racy pictures).

I had some major Phillies fans in my Tuesday night class this semester, and during one of their last games this year, I allowed for text updates (I may have desired them more than my students from Philadelphia!). I also would absolutely love to catch a World Series game in person, and have added it to my own little bucket list. I’m not a fantastic flirt, so I can’t even say I’d flirt my way into some great tickets, but I’ve had several friends flirt their way into a good deal when buying a car, getting out of a speeding ticket, and more. I’m also not rich, so when I can get a deal or a discount, I go for it – however, I’m not sure offering up some sex for tickets is quite up my alley, especially with a stranger. I scored some amazing seats to a Giants game in San Francisco this summer (not far behind third base) and that just involved a few clicks on my lap top, no photos of me necessary (clothed or otherwise). Now, I know that World Series tickets are a whole other deal – super hard to find, very expensive if you can. I’m just not sure how far I would go. Maybe I’m boring, but when I hear about the extent that people will go for in order to get tickets to a baseball game or even a concert, I get a little wary. I definitely would not be the girl in the middle of the mall shaving her head for Justin Bieber tickets (well, I wouldn’t want Justin Bieber tickets anyway, but that’s another story).

How far would you go for some great tickets? Would you send some naked photos of yourself for World Series tickets? How about just for a regular game in town? Do you think Ms Finkelstein should have been guilty of prostitution? Talk with me about this.

Find us on Twitter @mysexprofessor and find Holly, the author of this post, @ItsHollyAgain

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Many thanks go to Feministing for pointing out this study demonstrating that there are no reports of child abuse within lesbian households (as opposed to 26% of American adolescents overall, ostensibly from heterosexual households, who report parent or caregiver physical abuse). One more reason not to discriminate against parents claiming a different sexual orientation than the norm.

Follow us on Twitter @mysexprofessor. Follow Jeana, the author of this post, @foxyfolklorist.

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