Today I caught a glimpse of the brazilliant iPhone panty prototypes featured on Gizmodo with the “slide to unlock” imagery (click the above link if you are not an iPhone user or otherwise don’t get it). (Btw, I would TOTALLY wear these).  

The post was later followed by one about the Cuchini , a product that apparently aims to “smooth the ridges of a woman’s mons pubis”. Except, um, Ms. Cuchini Inventress (they are said to be invented by women), they are called labia majora – as in, outer vaginal lips. That’s where women have texture and get the so-called camel toe from – not from the mons pubis. In fact, a Cuchini would likely only enhance the appearance of the mons pubis which otherwise lays flat or slightly curved in somewhat line with a woman’s abdomen. Not only that, but some women actually pay big bucks to further flatten their mons pubis via a removal of fat (which is an entirely different story for another day, lovely readers).

A few things to note:

- Their site boasts that the Cuchini “keeps undergarments clean.” Yikes!! What vulva-phobia is this? Please tell me that these were not invented by someone who thinks that vulvas or vaginas are dirty.

- It is also noted that the Cuchini “can be used with or without underwear.” OMG! But what if you were wearing this under a dress or skirt – and the two-sided tape that they recommend failed to hold it in place on a warm summer’s sweaty day - or on a day when you got all hot and bothered and wet thinking about some super amazing lover of your dreams – and then plop! Your Cuchini drops onto the sidewalk. Sort of like that time in middle school when you dropped a tampon in front of the cute 8th grade boys except WAY WORSE! I mean, it’s like a fake-bare-vulva-slash-shoe-horn falling from your skirt onto the ground.

- The two-sided tape suggestion is worth a second mention. Why oh why would someone tape their vulva?

- They claim that “as we have evolved, hair down there is a thing of the past.” What? No it isn’t! The research I’ve conducted has found that, in fact, quite a lot of women still have hair on their vulvas. Also even those who wax the whole thing off have to grow it back (usually 2-3 weeks worth of growth at a minimum) before most aestheticians will agree to wax them again, at which point they may be hair-free for another 2-6 weeks. In other words, regular waxers still have hair much of the time and regular shavers may still have stubble. So back to this two-sided tape… would that not be like removing a band-aid at times, except WAY WORSE?

- Finally, they show celebrity camel toe examples as if these women have done something wrong by being non-airbrushed humans with genitals. Seriously?

Thumbs (and vulvas) down on this one, in my humble opinion. Thanks, Gizmodo, for bringing this to light.

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